A New Hope rewrite
by HanSoloIsSoCute
Summary: A New Hope, from my point of view.


A New Hope episode IV(rewrite)  
A farm boy who belongs in the loony bin and a stuck up princess team up to stop the evil domination of Darth Vader. They are assisted by an old Jedi (who used to make sense when he talked) and a cocky pilot who is convinced that he is Gods Gift to Women. They bravely face the challenges that confront them. Such as, garbage disposal, evil overlords,  
annoying droids and bad smells.

Hope you enjoy.

**Ships**: BAM BLAM BANG!

**Rebels**: "Uh-oh."

**Stupid droid**: "There will be no escape for the donuts this time."

**Other stupid droid**/Huh/

**Stupid droid 1(who is also C3po):** "The ones' that Princess Leia stole from Darth Vader of course, you over weight glob of grease."

**Other stupid droid(who is also R2D2):** /Ah./

**Guards**: "Let's sit here and wait to be shot."

**Other guards**: "Sounds good."

Evil hissing of the door. In come the imps. They shoot the guards. The droids go walking right through the shower of blaster fire.

**Leia**: "Psst!"

**R2D2**/Spring a leak/

**Leia**: "Get over here!"

**R2D2**/But, Threepio--/

**Leia**: "I hate him anyway! Leave him."

**R2D2**/Fine with me./

**Leia**: "Now, take what's left of the donuts and a message to that old Jedi."

**R2D2**/Gotcha. Uh-oh! Here comes Threepio/

**Leia**: "Yikes!"

Leia runs away. Threepio spots R2. They walk (and roll) off.

**Leia**: "Ha! Seems that I am in clear view they will never spot me!"

**Imps**: "There she is."

**Leia**: "Hee hee I will get them with one shot!"

Leia shoots at them.

**Imps**: "Pathetic."

**Leia**: "Eeep! Now it is time run right in front of them! Har! They'll never catch me!"

BLAM!

**Imps**: "Got 'er. She dead?"

**Stormtrooper**: "Shucks! You set for stun!"

**Else where. . .**

**Threepio**: "What were you doing back there?"

**R2**/None of your bees-wax. C'mon, lets get in one of these nice, safe pods./

"But were not permitted! They won't give us our share of the donuts!"

/Don't worry about that, I've got the donuts./

"What? Where?"

/Get in the #$# pod./

"I'm going to regret this."

They get in the pod. Threepio sits on the eject button.

**The command control. . .**

**Dumb Guy**: "Dude, look! A pod! Let's shoot it!"

**Dumber Guy**: "Naw, no life forms. It's not possible she could have hidden the donuts in there or anything."

In the pod. . .

**Threepio**: "Couldn't you have gotten a better pod? This one is cramped."

**R2**/Oh, gee, sorry. Next time there's a galaxy-wide crisis I'll make a reservation. I'll get us a nice pod with a view./

**In the Death Star. . .**

Leia is led to have an interview with Darth Vader:

**Leia**: "Darth Vader, only you could stink so bad. I should have guessed I was on _YOUR_ ship."

**Darth Vader**: "Silence! Shudup. You were not on any mercy mission this time. Several Krispy Cream boxes were sent to your quarters with MY name stamped on them. I want to know what happened to the donuts inside them."

**Leia**: "I don't know what your talking about. I'm on a diet!"

**Vader**: "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!"

**Leia**: "What does that have to do with anything?"

**Vader**: "I'm just reading the script."

**Leia**: "Ah."

**Vader**: "Take her away!"

Leia is taken away.

**Stupid officer**: "Holding her is dangerous. Word of this gets out, and the Krispy Creams may be shutdown!"

**Darth Vader**: "I have traced all the crumbs to her. Now she is my only link to the donuts."

**Leia thinking**: _Hee hee, little does he know I'm wearing them on my head!_

**Stupid officer**: "She'll die before she'll give you the donuts!"

**Darth Vader**: "Tuff cookies. You're the one who will be questioning her. Hee hee. Anyway, send a distress signal. Then inform the senate then all aboard went to Disney land."

**Another stupid officer**: "Lord Vader, the donuts are not aboard this ship. And no transmissions were made."

**Stupid officer thinks**: _Gee, I better tell him about the pod we didn't destroy so I can get in big trouble and be officially labeled an idiot._

**Stupid officer says**: "An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No life-forms were aboard. So, like the numb sculls we are, we left it alone."

**Darth Vader**: "Good job. I can see you are doing well at following in my footsteps to being an idiot. Ah, anyway, she must hidden the donuts in the escape pod."

**Officer**: "GASP! YOU'RE a genius!"

**Darth Vader**: "Yes, I know. Comes from being born stupid. Wait, that doesn't sound right..."

**On Tatooine. . .**

**Threepio**: "WHINE WHINE WHINE! BOO-HOO!"

**Artoo**/What are you whining about/

**Threepio**: "I'm just reading the script."

**Artoo**/Ah. Now, let's go this way. I only ask because I know you don't want to, and we haven't had a petty argument in five minutes/

**Threepio**: "I don't want to go that way. I just got a new manicure."

**Artoo**/Glad to be rid of you./

**Threepio**: "What about the donuts?"

**Artoo**/Sucker./

**Later...**

**Threepio**: "I should have gone with Artoo. My manicure is ruined anyway. Hey, what's that? A great big machine that could crush me without even noticing? Well, I'd best attract attention to myself!"

**Else where. . .**

**Artoo**/So nice to be rid of Threepio./

**Jawas'**/Let's make lot's of noise so that he knows we're here/

**Artoo**/Uh-oh. Someone is here./

**Jawas'**/Gid 'im/

ZAM!

**Other Jawas'**/We got him./

**Jawa Leader:** /Goodie. Now, let's put the pile of junk in our ship and see if we can dump him on some locals./

**Other Jawas'**/But who will want to buy a pile of junk/

**Jawa Leader**: _I'm_ banking on those 'Skywalker' people being too stupid to notice.

They put him in their ship. A droid spots Artoo and strikes up a conversation.

**Droid**/Lovely weather, eh/

**Artoo**/You bet. Miserably hot, melting climate. Probably not two inches of shade on the whole planet. Just lovely./

**Droid**/You seem to be in a good mood./

**Artoo**/Yeah, I was stuck with this total loser for years but, heh, I just got rid of him./

**3-po**: "Artoo? Oh, Artoo! Artoo! Artoo it IS you, it _IS_ you!"

**Artoo**: Oh crap.

**Else where, the idiots search the planet. . .**

**Stormtrooper**: "Isn't it fun riding on these great, big lizards?"

**Other Stroomtropper**: "They stink."

**Lead Stroomtropper**: "Golly! Someone _was_ in the pod! The tracks go off in this direction..."

**First Stroomtropper**: "Look, Tiny Tim! Now we can have Christmas dinner! I found an onion ring! Yum."

**Second Stroomtropper**: "You idiot. That's some droid part."

**1th Stroomtrooper**: "Shucks."

**3-po**: "Wake up you lousy bum!"

**Artoo**/Hm? Oh, hi loser. I was having SUCH a nice dream. I dreamed I got rid of you./

**3-po**: "Shutup! The Jawas' are coming over here! Do you think they'll melt us down?"

**Artoo**/If they do away with you, it would be a blessing./

The Jawas' take them out and line them up with foolish hopes of getting rid of them with a cash return. Hm. Must have been the jawas' lucky day.

Two dumb locals come out of their house to look at the droids. Those dummies Uncle Owen and Luke.

**Aunt** **Beru calls Luke**: "Git yer skinny little white ass over here!"

**Luke**: "I'll have you know I have a nice ass. I do pilates for dummies everyday!"

**Beru**: "How fitting. Anyway, if your Uncle is stupid enough to buy one of those droids from those con artists be sure it speaks Batche!"

**Luke**: "Doesn't look like we have much choice, but I'm sure we're dumb enough they'll be able to sell us a pile of junk."

**Beru**: "Nice to know you have changed much since birth in the brain department."

Owen finds the dumbest droid. 3-po. But, he speaks Batche. And he takes an equally dumb looking R2 unit.

**Owen to Luke**: "Go clean these droids up."

**Luke**: "Whine! Whine! Whine! I want to do pilates!"

**Owen**: "You can waste time with your power-house when your chores are done. Now git going."

The R2 unit blows up. Luke scratches his head and looks at all the smoke coming out of the robot.

**Luke**: "Unc, I ain't fer certain but I think there's something wrong with this thing."

**Owen**: "He probably just has a case of gas."

**Luke**: "Whine! Whine! Whine! I don't like this one. It's not in style!"

**Owen**:"Fine, fine. We'll get another one."

3-po points at Artoo.

**3-po**: "Let's get that one."

**Artoo**/Curse my circuits./

If 3-po could have smirked, he would have.

**Later as Luke cleans the droids up. . .**

**Luke**: "Whine! Whine! Whine!"

**3-po**: "My goodness! You are an accomplished whiner! Near as good as myself."

**Luke**: "Thanks."

**3-po**: "Do you attend any classes?

**Luke, with a self-satisfied smirk**: "Naw, I just come by it naturally."

**Artoo**/Don't touch that dial/

**Luke**: "But I'm stupid! I _HAVE_ to touch it!"

Luke touches the dial. The hologram of Leia shows up.

**Leia**: "Obi-wan, help me save the donuts!"

The transmission fizzed and started over again. Even though Luke had to admit she was pretty he was getting sick of hearing:

"Save the donuts!" over and over again. Luke turned to Artoo.

**Luke**: "Is it just me or do you smell like Krispy Creams?"

**Artoo**/It's just you./

**Luke**: "Ah. Maybe we can find the rest of the message somehow and find out _WHY_ she wants to save the donuts."

**Leia**: "Save the donuts!Save the donuts!Save the donuts!"

**Artoo**/If you remove my restraining bolt I can run away and get rid of you lunatics. And I'm sure that will undoubtingly lead to finding her./

**Luke**: "Ha ha! You're such a kidder! You crack me up."

Luke removes the restraining bolt. The girl with the donuts on her head disappears.

**Luke**: "Bring her back! I was getting used to hearing 'save the donuts' over and over again and now I don't feel right without it!"

**Artoo**/Sucker./

**Beru**: "Luke! Git in here so I can shove un-edibles down you!"

**Luke**: "Ah. Must be dinner time."

Luke leaves.

**3-po**: "You ought to play him that message! Why, if you don't, I could get in trouble. Regardless of what happens to _YOU_."

**Artoo**/I hate that whining little twerp and I hope a Bantha sits on him./

**3-po**: "You malfunctioning nearsighted scrap-pile! What HAVE you done with the donuts?"

**Artoo**/Smack smack. Sucker./

**Luke**: "I think that Artoo unit was stolen."

**Owen**: "You don't say. And here I thought Jawas were such kind, honest creatures."

**Luke**: "Yeah, he said he belongs to someone else, I think we should—"

**Beru**: "Shudup and eat you inedidbles."

**Luke**: "But they're inedible! Yuck."

**Beru**: "Picky picky, picky!"

**Luke**: "ANYWAY, can I go to the academy?"

**Owen**: "Nope. You have to stay here and rot. Like me."

**Beru**: "Was that an insult?"

**Owen**: "Nonsense, dear."

Luke leaves.

End Of Chapter One

Jasmine


End file.
